11.06.2005

Fermata

"Fer·ma·ta: The prolongation of a tone, chord, or rest beyond its indicated time value."

I hate hospitals. For all the reasons that people usually give -- the smell, the lights, the constant threat of misery. There are, or course, other things -- things that are specific to human existence, things that unite us all in our inevitability.

I hate the impotence of watching someone I love suffer. I hate being surrounded by machines and gadgets that I cannot control. I hate the constant reminders of our mortality, and the fact that it forces me to consider capital L, Life. And this forces me to think about God.

My relationship with God, like most of my long term relationships, is predictably dysfunctional. I am the once fiercely loyal girlfriend who never broke up officially but gradually lost contact and still feels strong regard, who always gets wasted on tequila when crisis strikes and makes sobbing drunk and dial phone calls to God begging for mercy and undeserved miracles.

Basically, you know, a Catholic.

Lately, almost all of my internal conversations turn into desperate prayers.

I feel as though I have been living a half life. Wandering through the motions of my usual life, I cannot help but feel sadness because of the ever present knowledge that my brother is fighting to recover in a hospital. My own life seems to be presenting me with evidence to the contrary that goodness and God are prevailing. (See here for one blatant example.)

And even in those moments of ease that I try to maintain, the lightness seems dulled.

Even the small pleasure of sharing my thoughts and reading your thoughts seems to offer me only shame right now. For, I feel like I cannot truly be happy during this time of uncertainty. And, I find it hard to think of anything beyond the immediate needs of my brother's life.

So, I bid you all well as I take a pause from this blog. As I muddle through this unplanned fermata.

Masterful pieces of music reveal true greatness, not just in the sheer force of melody, but in the disparate divinity of silence.




File under: Fermata.