9.28.2006

Choose Your Own Adventure

I read the end of the book first. I skip ahead chapters while watching DVDs of suspense movies. I don't enjoy surprises.

I read the end of the book first because the journey, to me, is more enjoyable if I know where it's going to end. That is not to say that I am not spontaneous. I would gladly go to the airport and jump on the first flight I could afford. Charge a pair of shoes without the finances to cover it.

I like to know how the story ends because it's easier to appreciate the details. You can revel in the subtle twists and turns of the road if you know where the sojourn leads you. Even if you know the car drives off a cliff at the end.

Perhaps it is only my heart that I do not choose to gamble with. Life is full of pain. If you know you can find a way to avoid some of the anguish, sidestep unforseen ambush, why not try? Or, if you know what will hurt is unavoidable, you can avoid the shock if not the injury.

I told The Ex today that if I knew, in the end, when I am slow and old and undesirable, that he would be there again, holding my hand. Then, none of this time would hurt as much. I could let it all go. None of this would matter. I would enjoy my singular bacchanalia even more. Ever the practicalist, he would not indulge my delusion.

Besides, I'm not sure my assesment is true. I'm not sure of anything anymore. And now, although I live dangerously, perhaps foolishly at times, it is not because I have the comfort of certitude. I don't take risks with my body and my life because I know the last chapter. But, if I'm going to some unknown destination and if I'm going it alone, I'm going there in flames.



File under: Risky Business, Suspense, Probability.