9.15.2006

69% of this is a cliche

It is my understanding that all people in couples eventually find something that they want to change about their partners. I wish he'd do the dishes more often. I wish she would go down on me more often. Some change is more demanding: wishing for their most meaningful mate to look different, smell different, talk different. Be a different person. No matter the degree of reasonableness of the desired change, what becomes more important is how much the something is worth compromising for. How much the love is worth, in the end.

I wanted The Ex to change things that I shouldn't have asked for. And I wanted things to change for him in ways that he willingly wanted to change within himself. And he did the same for me. He wanted me to admit I could be in love, to soften my heart. To admit that I could want things that others willingly spend their lives seeking: commitment, partnership, comfort.

Eventually, sadly, we reached a point where we couldn't change our individual selves for the better for as long as we were together.

What's shocking to me is that I still expect him/things to change even after we have parted ways. I want him to be something he cannot/will not be even in the death of our relationship. We wanted to try to be friends post breakup, to prove the world wrong. You can love someone for over half of your life and part ways and still be friends. Maybe you can still even have sex. Occasionally.

But, I'm starting to doubt that can be. Because I still want him to be something that he simply cannot be. I want him to be the friend he cannot be. I want for me to be more open-minded and self-assured than I am.

I want things to change and not hurt so damn much.

I am sad that whatever it is I want or need will probably never be. I am sad because despite my years of outward cynicism, I always wanted to believe and that's what stopped me from being a bitter folk singer in a coffehouse. Or a hermit in a log cabin in the woods.

And I'm sad because I just don't believe anymore.