11.30.2005

Tai Chi. Chai Tea.

Since my brother's recent hospitalization, it has been all about Project Healthier Living here in my little world. I have quit smoking . . .uh . . . y'know. . .everything. I have stopped being a faux vegetarian and recommitted to a vida sin carne. Except sushi. Come on. I quit smoking doobies, you gotta at least give me the spicy tuna hand roll. No more fried foods. No junk food. No more handfuls of lard scooped into my greedy open jaw.

Additionally, I have stopped donating $60 a month to Mr. Total Bally Fitness and started actually going to the gym. Again. Yippee.

Last night the LIL S'BEB* and I agreed that we would wake up early and try the new Tai Chi class together. We had the best of intentions, really.

In the span of two blocks that we traverse between our apartment and the Total Fitness Club, we managed to get pissed off with no less than three pedestrians and two vehicles. We grumbled. We mumbled. Not very Tai Chi. But, the class succeeded in alleviating our mutual grumpiness. But, not because we opened our chakras or anything.

The class consisted of four other people, a spry middle aged man, two senior citizens named "Charlotte" and "Lily" and Charlotte's nurse, "Fabiane." The moment our instructor greeted us, I knew there was no possibility of my being able to take this woman seriously. She is one of those exercise instructors who insists on speaking in some bizarre voice appropriate only for kindergarten teachers and tour guides at Disney World.

She somehow managed to cram extra syllables into every word that came out of her mouth:

Normal Person: "One" Crazy Tai Chi Instructor: "Huh-wuh-uh-uh-uh-unn-nn-ah"
Normal Person: "Intestine" Crazy Tai Chi Instructor: "Insansianstlknatnelainelenatonatin"

Both LIL S'BEB and I lost it, though, when we went ahead and greeted all of our body parts, thanking them and telling them we love them while vigorously patting them down.

"Hello, knees. Thank you, knees. I love you, knees."

I have always been a poor fit for spiritual, low impact group exercise. Yoga makes me tense because it just proves to me how inflexible I am. And, now, I see I am far too immature for Tai Chi. I guess I'll stick to the Stairmaster.

Happy Wednesday to you all. Ohm Shanti in the panty.

*Live-In Longterm, Soon to Be Ex-Boyfriend. (LIL S'BEB)