I Want Your MonogamyBalls and chain.
I wrote a piece in college about monogamy. I was thriving in my hypersexuality. I had wonderful casual sex and flirted with everything that moved. I still do. Flirt, that is. I blasted monogamy as a puritanical value created to extinguish female sexuality. I believed monogamy to be an unattainable and ridiculous carrot to chase.
That attitude continued for several years. And then I became monogamous. I have had sex with the same man for just over 5 years. Okay, well, there was that one girl last year, but my boyfriend was there, too, so that doesn't count.
(Miss Hag. hopes her mother doesn't read this.)
Recently, Chuck Klosterman wrote an article for the Feb.2005 issue of Esquire magazine. The article tackled the enigma of monogamy based around an interesting scenario. Here's the gist:
Let's say you have two friends named Jack and Jane. They have been romantically involved for two years, and the relationship has always been good. Then, one day, Jack calls you and sadly mutters, "Jane just broke up with me." You ask why this happened. Jack says, "She thinks I cheated on her." You ask, "Well, did you?" Jack says, "I'm not sure. Something strange happened."
This is what Jack proceeds to tell you:
"There is this woman in my apartment building who I barely know. I've seen her in the hallway a few times, and we've just sort of nodded our hellos. She is very normal looking, neither attractive nor unattractive. Last week, I came home from the bar very drunk, and I ran into her while I was getting my mail. She was drunk, too. So just to be neighborly, we decided to go to her apartment to have one more beer. But because we were intoxicated, the conversation was very loose and slightly flirtatious. And then, she suddenly tells me that she has a bizarre sexual quirk: She can only have an orgasm if a man watches her masturbate. This struck me as fascinating, so I started asking questions about why this was. And then--somehow--it just sort of happened. I never touched her and I never kissed her, but I ended up watching this woman masturbate. And then I went home and went to bed. I told Jane about this a few days later, mostly because it was all so weird. But Jane went fucking insane, and she angrily said our relationship was over. Now she won't even return my calls."
Whose side do you take? Klosterman breaks down various arguments based on conversations he posits with various people. As you might assume, most women take Jane's side, most (straight) men, Jack's. The fascinating thing is the reasoning behind people's arguments. Is it only infidelity if fluids are exchanged?
Miss Hag. urges you to bring this one up at your next cocktail gathering. It gets people talking in a most invigorating manner. One could say that although Jack didn't physically engage with the sexual miscreant neighbor, he did knowingly participate in getting her off. He could have drawn the line after her admission, depite his impaired decision making skills. But then again, he is a straight man. It's hard to account for them.
One could say that since Jack told Jane out of bewilderment, that he is innocent. Or at least forgivable.
Klosterman's article examines an interesting theory about monogamy. Some "sexperts" argue that monogamy is no longer relevant biologically. The average life span is thirty years longer than it was one century ago. Some believe that monogamy is biologically incompatible with the modern life span. Klosterman argues that we reach a point when we realize that monogamy is unreasonable. We no longer choose it. He goes on to propose that, the best way for an unattractive man to get an attractive woman, is to pursue a married one. The idea being that, the unattractive man will be made desirable simply by the fact he is not her husband.
The key is the desire to cheat. Klosterman writes, "Motivation is everything. Wanting to cheat on someone but failing is no different from actually cheating, and the reason something happens is way more important than the act itself." He absolves Jack from cheating because he believes Jack's intentions were merely to get his mail. However, the fact that he chose to have a drink with a woman, not his girlfriend, while admittedly intoxicated and chose to pursue what was obviously a proposition from the floozy and chose not to run out in horror the second the clitoris (See below.) rubbing started proves unreasonable intentions.
It's not number 5.
Miss Hag.'s bottom line (pun intended. . . or not?) to any straight man out there who wants to stay in his monogamous relationship: The minute any woman, not your girlfriend or wife, starts to discuss her clitoris (even in a very abstract manner, but especially if it involves rubbing it in front of you), make a choice quickly. Run quickly away from the scenario, and never never tell anyone. Or, stay and watch, and never never tell anyone.