4.19.2005

Not All of My Boyfriends Are Gay

I could easily live forever being loved solely by gay men. However, five years ago I re-chose to pursue a more traditional relationship with a man -- one that involves sexual intercourse.

Around the time that I thought I was falling in love with my best gay male friend, I realized that perhaps I was looking for a partner in life. And that maybe that wasn't such a horrible thing to want.

I re-found an old friend to give it another shot. For the first 6 months, I couldn't even admit to myself I was in a relationship again. I introduced Jason as my "roommate" when we first moved to Key West together. For the years that I was single, I worked hard to program myself for invulnerability. I was a student in the house of Jong, studying for a degree in the zipless fuck. I couldn't commit to a brand of shampoo, let alone be a girlfiend. A man in Key West who was not shy about showing his interest in me got so fed up that he finally said to me, "You know that guy's not just your roommate, right?!"

It's over five years later and we're still trying to define the modern relationship, and we're still trying to do it together. Nothing about what we have feels "traditional" but it is . . . well . . something. Whatever it is (and is not), it can feel really good. Sometimes, it feels like they're the only arms I've known.