4.05.2005

Letter to the MTA

I wrote this letter to Lawrence G. Reuter, President of the NYC MTA a year ago. I had a particularly awful subway ride and did what my mother always told me to do -- Write a letter to _____ (fill in appropriate complaint receiver). I never sent the letter because of its violent nature and because we as a people can be very sensitive in this post 9/11 world. However, I found it today and think it's still quite funny. Since I am prone to taking cabs now, it is no longer a pressing matter in my life. Nonetheless, any of you who ride the subway between 3 and 7 p.m. will know what I mean.


Lawrence G. Reuter
President, Department of Subways
MTA New York City Transit
370 Jay Street
Brooklyn, NY 11201


Dear Mr. Reuter:

I will be the first to admit that there are greater problems in the world to consider than the quality of service on subway trains in New York City. Having said that, I also believe that New Yorkers too often just accept the circumstances of their surroundings and assume that their individual voices do not matter. Not being of that nature, it is my personal quest to speak up against injustices and annoyances that occur in my immediate world.

It is important that I first say, in general, I am satisfied with the quality of my experience with the Metropolitan Transit Authority. However, there is a significant problem that should be addressed and I do not see anyone else acknowledging this scourge in our lives. It is one of the every day aggravations that mature adults in the city seem just to tolerate. Some of us avoid it by simply not riding the subway at certain times, but as I am sure you can discern, that is not always an option. Nor, should you want that to be the choice.

You must know what I am getting at. It is The Children, Mr. Reuter. If you are a parent, perhaps you should pass this along to someone on your staff who is childless, because my opinion may offend those with a conflict of interest (Read: Breeders).

I was riding the Uptown 1/9 train from 66th Street to 110th Street on February 6, 2004, at around 4:00 p.m. when I had reached my limit with this problem. There is a period of time directly after the schools let the youth of the city out onto the street until they are purportedly supposed to be back at their respective homes. This period of time is tremendously painful if you are riding any form of public transport. It has driven me to drink, Mr. Reuter; it is so physically agonizing. I kid you not, I am sitting here with a martini whilst writing this letter.

As I was saying, I was on the train for only a short amount of time, but the behavior I witnessed was appalling. These underage infidels ran amok through the cars, yelling and screaming and pushing at each other like animals. Today, I witnessed some of them riding between the cars and yelling. "I love pussy!" into the tunnels. The train had to stop for five minutes because the conductor was concerned that one of the useless brats fell onto the tracks. In the same position, I might have not shown such sympathy.

The adults are forced to sit through this tortuous behavior every day and we feel powerless, when really we are all big enough to smack them on the heads. But then, we would probably face lawsuits for assault and that would be even more of a hassle. Really, Mr. Reuter, it is ridiculous and we should not have to suffer anymore.

I suggest a simple solution. Would it really be that difficult to have police officers or rent-a-cops or perhaps even club doormen to patrol the cars during this unfortunate period of travel? Part of this job would be to scowl ominously at these worthless gutter rats. Additionally, I propose they carry handguns with tranquilizer darts, stun guns and tazers and use the following protocol:

1.) Large figure with gun approaches loud, misbehaving punk.
2.) Large figure points weapon at the head of misbehaving punk.
3.) Large figure menaces (or sneers or scoffs -- whatever s/he is best at, they can improvise that part) and says, "No one will be sad if I pull this trigger. In fact, I get paid to do this shit, so if you don't shut the hell up (or sit the hell down or calm the fuck down -- again depending on the situation) then Mayor ______ (insert name of present mayor) has given me the righteous duty to remove you from this earth and allow these quiet taxpayers to ride home in peace.
4.) Large figure snickers as the other miscreants pee in their little bitty pants.

Okay, maybe number four is unnecessary, but you get my point. We must be vigilant with these wretches because their parents are either afraid to smack them or don't smack them well enough. Perhaps with the success of this program, the MTA could also instigate a program to demonstrate acceptable ways every day citizens can smack annoying children riding public transportation. I have been assured by several other people that they would sign a petition to put my plan into work. In fact, I have a few unemployed friends who would gladly accept this position for the right salary if you need any references.

Mr. Reuter, I appreciate your consideration in this pressing matter. As you can surely tell by my letter, I have innumerable useful hints and ideas if you need any further assistance with decision making. For a small fee, of course.



I should addend this post. I do not dislike children. I like kids. I also do not endorse child abuse, but I do not think it is wrong for a parent to smack some sense into a misbehaving child. Or, as my friend Denise might do, give them a swirlie. As long as they also hug them immediately after and explain why things went so astray.