1.19.2006

fly on, my sweet angel. . .

The thing that makes grief so painful is the regret. We feel shame for all those moments that could have, should have been. We regret what we never said, what we always thought -- "Oh, someday, we'll get together and do that." Take a trip. make a phone call. Write a letter.

At the end of someone's life, we try to think of all the great things that were. We smile and remember what we had. But, then, a suffocation of sorrow invades and we think of all those moments that never will be. Because we have come to the end and there are no more moments.

Life ends. That's all there is to it. You can bargain with god as much as you want, but it will do you no good. And, I'm not sure exactly what I believe, but I am quite sure that god doesn't care much for our desperate wagering. Begging for a little more time.

I am not an optimist. I have tried to make that clear here. The glass is not just half empty, it doesn't exist. It got smashed against the wall during a freak storm.

But, that will not stop me from asking you to try and do yourselves a bit of good. Try your hardest, do whatever you can so as not to experience this horrible regret that I now feel. Sitting and wishing I would have, should have, could have had a little more time with someone I love very much.