9.27.2005

No More Kelly Clarkson Shame

I realized today that there will be a time in the future when I will be living alone. Can you believe I am almost 30 years old and I have never lived alone?

Sure, I had a dorm room to myself, but a dormitory is not exactly singular living. And there were a few times when I lived abroad for months at a time, but then I was just freeloading in foreign countries.

After college, I lived with my two best friends. After that, I lived with my three homosexual life partners. After that, I became half of a live-in couple.

Tonight, I wandered around the 450 square feet of apartment and looked at all the material things we've obtained together. Once we made the decision to move to separate living spaces, I started waxing sentimental about all the things I like about J. and living with him.

But, then I also realized, there are a lot of things that I will not miss. That I will, in fact, celebrate the disappearance of like a munchkin dancing around crushed ruby slippered feet.

Here are a few things I look forward to:

1.) Never cleaning up after a boy's mess and feeling like less of a woman for it. It should be noted that I do not think cleaning up after a man makes a woman less...uh...womanly. I just. You know. Hate picking up after a grown man.

2.) Never having to clarify my foolhearty opinions.

3.) Never having to figure out if I really find kung-fu movies entertaining.

I also look forward to seeing what an apartment filled with only my things will look like.

Will I still buy the same toothpaste?

I've been living as a half a couple for so long that I cannot tell where my opinions end and his begin. Which one of us chose sea foam green for the living room? Do I really love that color or is it just one of the things from the shaded subset of where our tastes overlap?

But most of all, I look forward to not blaming someone else for my life's shortcomings. Too often in a couple, I have found myself longing for the choices I never made because I no longer live for just myself. And resentment, just like joy and fear and content, is an emotion that feels doubled when it is halved.

File under: Renaissance, Sea Foam